Altus Cosmic Site



What does it all mean?

alt text

#####Losing the flame

This last holiday I had a bit of an epiphany: that I wasn’t really sure what my next step in my career would be. I thought for a while that I w ould write a book or start a business doing whaat I do. I thought I’d make something out of the nearly twenty years of work I’d put into being a desinger.

But the truth is I’ve lost the flame. It is only a flicker of the drive that once took me, over and over, to the well.

At the same time I don’t feel like I lost my way. If anything, it felt as though I was finding it. In the last 10 years I have worked for very high profile companies. Making very high progile things. The people I worked with were exccessively dedicated to their careers. Even if that meant treating others unfairly. And as I dwelled in this space I dwindled. I thought to myself, I can’t do that. I can’t put my career above others. Be it my family or my colleagues, it’s not in my control.

This lantern in the distance was faint for a long while. I made things, and traveled, and put my work first. I huddled for days and evening in the kitchen at a laptop to push another pixel, write another goal, or frame up another workshop. I felt my creativity leaving my body.

I have a good friend who has many dissabilities. I grew up with him and he has had over 30 surgeries. He’s shared with me often his expereiences of leaavin gthe body. He’s left his on several occasions. What’s alwaays stuck with me is that he’s not afriad. Becuase, as he puts it, “I’m not even in my body; there’s nothing I could control if I wanted too.”

I’ll take an extra moment to let that sink in.

#####Growing wisdomizingly (I know it’s not a word, but I like it)

I’m not in my creatitiy. There’s nothing I can do anyway. Is what I am now coming to understand. Even with all the water to drink the well will never feed me. It may give me grounds to make myself financially solvent. But I can’t keep going back to it expecing it to be anything different for me that was it has.

#####Where is the well now?

When I need answers I often reach out to my heros. My heroes happen to be friends. I reached out to a few and asked them what they thought I should do in this situation. Should I try to find ways to restart the fire? Do I chronical my work and make something like a memoirializing portfolio? Do I go to the graveyard again and ask my grandma?

I’ve been going to graveyards a lot. It’s not a random thing at all. We moved to central Illinios this last year and my dad side of my family is all from here. I’ve been going to graveyards to understand my elders. I want to know more about where I came from.

It’s a bit ironic because growing up in a smaller place ALL I WANTED TO DO was leave and live in NYC, Los Angeles, or SF. And now here I am in this smaller, slower, more gental place and i am convinced the well I am looking for is here.


I personally struggle with confidence. I am proud of my work and I love working with others but I need a lot of recognition. That’s what brought me to the tech well in the first place. When you write a piece of of content and put it on a webpage and it shows up immediately after the send button is hit there’s an immdeiate recognition in that moment. It’s a type of verication, neither good nor bad, but you see the value of your hands and their working. I need to see that value.

That’s a part of the flame that’s missing now. My work is often too high level now to even feel the immmediacy of sent button is being hit. Let alone see the results in a tangible way at all. I get a bit of it when I work on my side projects. My oldest son and I have been creating a card game and everytime I hit print I have two thoughts 1) ink is expensive but you only live once 2) I’m getting that immmdeiate satisfaction by sharing this creationing (not a word) with my son. I’m so fortunate to have kids that share my creative values.

#####Make stuff and share it

I’ve found that the well for me is making stuff and sharing it. Making stuff is easy. My hands don’t like being idle. You can ask my friends and they’ll tell you I can’t even watch a movie I am so restless. But it’s really difficult for me to share. Especially share everything I am working on. Sometimes I feel like it’s not good enough to be shared. Sometimes I feel like really important poeple who want me to act like I am really important look down on my over-sharing. And that may be true. But it’s up to me to stop caring.

“It’s me hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.” ~ Anti-Hero, Taylor Swift

I’m going to start here by sharing a small list of my failures:

  • I had to wear a boyscout uniform to school in highschool one day a month. I was a Jr. I didn’t want to do it and the first time I tried to hide if under a coat. Even though it was a warm August day in Oklahoma. I quit boyscouts so I didn’t have to wear it to school again. I was a ceremony away from starting the arrow of light which would have easily made me an Eagle Scout.
  • I changed the DNS records of a milk and orange juice factories website on a Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend. The email servers were incorrect and the offices were closed so no one knew. At the same time the factory line came to a complete hault as the email system was directly related to the assembly and since it was down so was the line.
  • I once told a boss that I had bed bugs and kind of assumed they’d help me find a solution. Instead they asked me not to come into the office. A week of weird limbo ensued where I wasn’t sure what to expect and then I was let go.